icedtallchai.tumblr.com

i don't know what to think, or what to do.
i don't even know how to feel... or why i would feel that way.

crooked little smile, on her face,
tells a tale of grace, that's all her own.
a little girl with nothing wrong,
and she's all alone.

i feel like it's normal, to miss someone.
like it's not out of the ordinary, to want to be missed.
i am taking a break, from life, work, campus...
but chris and i discussed "taking a break"
and the discussion was inconclusive.

which leads me to believe, that, we weren't taking a break.
but regardless of whether or not we were/are
it's not like this week has been any different,
any different than any other week

summer days are gone, too soon
we shoot the moon, and missed completely
and now you're left to face the gloom
the empty room, that once smelled sweetly
why we have to each be lonely, 
it was just the season

i want what anna has
i want what hartley has
i want something that chris doesn't have
and so a decision has to be made...
eventually. at some point. one day.

i feel like we're prolonging the inevitable
im not happy, he doesn't make me happy
he communicates that i'm an obligation
what's love got to do with it?

there was a time when i believed that you belonged to me
but now i know your heart is shackled to a memory
the more i learn to care for you
the more we drift apart

the sun just slipped its note below my door
and i cant hide beneath my sheets,
 ive read the words before so now i know... 
time has come again for me
no matter how much i pretend


my hearts hurts, my head is so, heavy.
at least norah jones understands, hey?

I'm in a very weird place in my mind.
it feels as if Chris and I are taking a break... it feels as if I'm taking a break, from real life... sitting in an old pub on the edge of downtown Athens... there are people. everywhere. for them, this is real life. this isnt their escape or hiatus, but their world. I find myself growing jealous... the indie life. the small pubs. cute solo guitarists. earthy. soulful. it feels... nice.

but ultimately I have to go home. this isnt my home. my life. this is fake. this is a dream... walking through the streets of this dream is slightly breathtaking. I feel like my hands are tied to something back home. and while ultimately I know, it's Chris... what I dont know, is, do I want it to be that way? are my hands really tied, or are they just being delicately held?

do I feel bound?
or loved...

cherished,
or trapped...?
thoughts.

Chris went to israel
Christmas came, and went
Chris came back

things were a bit on the rougher side
things will get better...
things have to change to grow
and grow to progress
and progress to yield fruit
whether rotten or good
but hopefully
the latter

I love a big God
and a wonderful boy
and we can fix it all..
him, Him, and me
can fix what he and I have
broken

and live happily
with Him

it's been awhile my friends... 
quite awhile. 

I'm in Crawford, Crawford. Texas. 
wide open spaces. cows. 
junk drawers. memories. 

none of which are my own. 
but the boy's... oh, that boy. 

christopher robin. 
you have such stories. 
stories never told. 

your oh so familiar town,
the places I've never been...

it's odd being here. 
I feel a strange at-home-ness. 

went geocaching...
which was fun. 

tomorrow is thanksgiving. 
I will compile a post, 
promise. 


promises. 

" I have been impressed with the urgency of doing.

Knowing is not enough, we must apply.

Being willing is not enough, we must do. "

Leonardo do Vinci

i've started to realize how many things i pretend to believe, how many things i pretend to value, and how few thing i follow through with.  how seldom my motives/thoughts/actions
reflect said beliefs,
reflect said values. 

i want to be a person of integrity,

a person of consistency.

i desire for my word, my promises,

to not return void, but fruit.

i want to be the person you can count on,

the one who always pulls through.

i desire to be a blessing, in all the relationships i'm involved in.

with God, with Chris, Lolly, Kelsey, Dad, Tayler, and with JT

i want the way i walk, talk, listen, work, study, sleep, drive,

i want those ways to be different, to not go unnoticed,

but to be a challenge on it's own.

" I do the very best I know how,
the very best I can,
and I mean to keep on doing so,
until the very end "
Abraham Lincoln

i want 

to challenge people with my walk,

to engage friends with my words,

to live in an abstract structure,

in relation to this world,

these people,

those hearts,

this pain,

all.

a goal worth pursuing,

a lifestyle worth following,

a Christ-follower in action,

a beautiful depiction.

a disciple, a learner, a teacher, a do-er.

big things to be said.

- - - - -

i want,
je veux,

but i want,
"i want" & "i desire"

to become 
i will
to stand through the ages

actions speak louder
than words
than beliefs
than conversations
than values
than gestures
than letters
than gifts
than touch

" Do or do not, there is no try. "
Master Yoda

and this is where i change directions once again

in a rinse repeat sort of fashion, i will now disappear

- - - - -

alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here.
I'm mad. You're mad.
alice: How do you know I'm mad?
cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.
 

- - - - -

blueyedlatte.wordpress

this one post a month thing isn't cutting it... im disorganized, tired, upset, and sick. i need rest. i need to get to the place i was at 6 months ago. i need to learn to be content in every situation. 

i'm housesitting for the mcgarverys this week. i can't wait. i know it will be good for me. i know rest will be good for me. i pray that i can use this 8 days wisely, and carefully. i pray that i come to a better appreciation for who God is in my life, right now. i pray that life gets better. 

life has been complex lately, it's been difficult. french is difficult. life is... unconstrained. i need to get things back under control. i need to be a better steward of everything my father has given me.

  I, being born a woman and distressed
By all the needs and notions of my kind,
Am urged by your propinquity to find
Your person fair, and feel a certain zest
To bear your body's weight upon my breast:
So subtly is the fume of life designed,
To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind,
And leave me once again undone, possessed.
Think not for this, however, the poor treason
Of my stout blood against my staggering brain,
I shall remember you with love, or season
My scorn wtih pity, -- let me make it plain:
I find this frenzy insufficient reason
For conversation when we meet again

edna st vincent millay

and sometimes it all gets just a bit overwhelming...

my financial aid hasn't gone through...

physically, i'm tired, and disgusting

rent is due tomorrow, and bills soon after

chris isn't coming until the 22nd

i don't know where i'll live in 2 weeks

my classes should start on the 16th...

i've eaten 3 meals a day since the 23rd

my dog has been with my parents for 2 weeks

i miss my boyfriend terribly

my roommate hates me, illegitimately

i don't see my little brothers enough

im registered for 16hrs of classes

french, english, algebra, polysci, science

im unsettled, so so unsettled, temporary

im getting up in 4 hours 

i don't want to eat. anything

andrew is in town, and it's awkward for me

i didnt want to get up today

i have to write some people up at work

i dont even want to do cardio

lately i've wished that i smoked

and sometimes i feel 19... 

rent is due tomorrow

my car is on empty

i get paid in 9 days

tomorrow is a make things happen day

but i want to go to sleep for a week or so...

so i haven't blogged in ages, 

and i sincerely apologize

in the time that has passed, a lot has happened

- - - - -

so july 5th was a monday, kristi and clayton were both off work, so i didn''t have to babysit... i hung out at manchester with klove for a bit and then just rode around doing next to nothing for the morning... around noon i went home and caleb and i decided to go to the gym late that night. i also invited kelsey to join us... so at about 1130pm, when caleb was supposed to be out of his "meeting" and at my house, kelsey and i were just sitting in the living room, waiting.

when kels got there, i was in my underwear, just hanging out on the porch... i didn't think anything of it, kelsey forced me into a pair of shorts when caleb rang the door bell... and that was that. we sat around for a few minutes... just talking about life, caleb went to bathroom, and suddenly, a cell phone started ringing... it was chris' ringtone. i didn't think much of the ringtone, so much as the fact that there was a unknown phone ringing in my house. i jumped up to search for it.. looking under the couch, in the cushions, around the window... and upon peering out the window i saw a small black vellular device perched in the sill... 

dude, it's outside the window

kels: no way..

yes way, it's just sitting out there...

kels: hmm...

so i go to the door, swing it open, and about the time i went to step out into the darkness, i look up to see a dark figure smiling at me

i panicked

screaming at the tip top of my lungs i jumped into the house, slamming into caleb and ending up on the floor. about the time i had made it into the bathroom i realized that that dark figure was my boyfriend, flying across the country to surprise me... after a few minutes, i gathered my composure and, while trying to stop my knees from shaking... went back out into the house... 

long story short... chris is a lovely individual, and im so glad that he came... we spent the week babysitting together... eating pizza outside of veterans, swimming at my aunts house, making chocolate covered strawberries, and kissing. all in all, it was a great week. i took him back to the airport on friday, and he flew back into waco and headed out to youth camp.

- - - - -

over the last month caleb and kelsey have been spending an awful lot of time with me, so, my default, with each other... as their relationship tried to develop into something more than "just friends" i found myself stuck as the median in a rather sticky situation... caleb honestly felt like he liked kelsey, and kelsey vice versa... but in the end, after a little heartbreak and rushing into things... caleb has decided that he acted out of his own emotion and hormonal self than out of God's will... he doesn't like kelsey, just the idea of being in a relationship... kelsey is... sad. i can tell, i know she is, and it break me a little... i feel more than slightly responsible.. i feel like i could've done more to prevent things. but i didn't, and things happened.  now, hanging out is awkward. 

caleb hasn't talking to kelsey to tell her how he feels... they're not friends, they don't talk... and it's not good times.  caleb needs to call her, he needs to clear things up. i haven't hung out with him in almost 2 weeks, he's got horrible guilt gut and just hasn't acted on his word, which makes me disappointed.

i hope he acts soon

i miss him

- - - - -

currently my school situation is looking less than lovely. for some reason or another my financial aid hasn't gone through... which means any day they could drop me from my classes, i called this morning to sort it out and the woman said that one of my forms that i submitted had been selected for auditing, which is not good. tuition was due on the 30th, and it looks like i may have to take out an "emergency loan" to cover the cost until my aid goes through... i had to do that my first semester, and everything eventually working itself out... but it was a pain. the problem is, if for some random reason they decided to deny my aid, i would be $3,000 in the hole... and i don't want that. i took out a loan to pay for my car, and that in itself is enough of a financial weight without having to think about another... i don't want to get stuck. i'm worried. i'm praying.

- - - - -

to be continued

beach

boundaries, sex, and marriage

chris, happiness, and insecurity

ralphie

amanda / lost

the numbers are lining up like they ought to

looks like i am going back to texas

one week on the beach with the boy that i love

i know i say it a lot..

but, i am so blessed

haven't written a public blog in far too long... 

i can't get my thoughts out in a fashion that anyone could read

i'm trying to be a little less cryptic here

- - - - -

babysitting has been challenging

in the sense that i have to much time on my hands

but i paid the rent today, so that's good... i just need to make it until fall semester, and things will resume to "normal"... whatever that is. honestly, i know they wont... 6 months ago if you had asked me about a relationship,  i probably would've laughed at you. no, that's not true. i would've smiled cunningly... i had nothing realistic in mind, but i wasn't about to let people in on that.

eating has been getting harder and harder... im alone all the time, and by alone i mean without accountability.  im going to the beach in 23 days... and to be brutally honest, that's hard for me.  i don't go to the beach often... i do love it, and i want so badly to be in texas with Chris.  but i can't help but dread parts of everything that goes along with being at the beach.

my foot is healing really quickly... the incision is even partially healed up - which is incredible. not being able to drive or run or even walk my dog has really killed me this time around... i just feel gross all the time... which isn't good for my mind - im just trying to identify when i have those times and cut it off... do or do not, there is no try

i've hung out caleb almost every night as of late... im realizing how few good friends i have, which i mean, it's not a new development... but usually there are so many decent friends around that it feels a bit warmer in my life...  it's gotten a little cold over the last month... it's not uncommon for me to only talk to Chris... i never thought i'd be that girl... but im not against it yet.  the conversations i do have, with amanda, with evan, with kelsey, with caleb, are quality, and i think i'd rather have it that way

i had an old acquaintance text me a few days ago, he said he missed me, and was wondering if i was down to get high with him this weekend... i didnt recognize his number, but i don't have a lot of people in that circle of my life.. and knew who was almost immediately... i called him and got his life story from the last year or so... and told him i didn't smoke anymore... he was sorry to hear it, but still wanted to get coffee... i told him no, explained that i just couldn't  go back.. and i don't regret it

i dont have much more to say

that's a basic life update

in australia, a very wise woman with a lovely brittish accent told me that i was beautiful.  then, softly, she said...  "kaylin, i want you to take your relationships as very serious things in life... treat them with the utmost care, as if your life depended on it.  try terribly hard not to get your heart broken, you have a lovely heart, a pure heart.  one piece of advice i can give you, is to take 1 corinthians 13, everytime you see the word "love" replace it with your own name.  kaylin, always strive to become that person - as i know you do.  then, after you find that boy... the one that you think hung the moon, put his name in place of "love".  poppet, if you can find a man that is striving harder than you are, if you're falling for a boy that's fallen for Christ as hard as you have... marry him, and send me an invitation".

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy,

it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

  

Love never fails.

i told her that i would... i promised

 and i can honestly say that i'm on the right track.

i know this is supposed to be the start of the texas tales...

but i need to take an alternative route, a detour of sorts.  

i don't know how to write what i need to write about. honestly, i don't know how i said it, how i explained it...  i texted chris yesterday and told him that i didnt feel like he loved me... in essence.  i didn't feel beautiful when i was around him in texas... i didn't feel like i was any different than any other girl. 

i know deeply that chris loves me, that i am different, that he wants to marry me... but for some reason i just feel.... worthless around him, unimportant, an obligation... i know this isnt true, i know it... but it's hard, i don't understand why i feel this way... it's not supposed to be like this... we're supposed to fall in love, and that's supposed to be all that matters... i want it to be all that matters, i want to feel like i can take on the world...  i want to feel like someone adores me, without cost or contingency... this is hard.

my hearts hurts.

ive been crying

crying out to my father..

i want to be whole

i want to be in a place to receive love... 

i want to feel like chris isn't going to up and leave... 

i want to feel like he's moving here... for me

im babysitting right now.. but i intend on taking the night and just praying... talking things out.. sorting things out.  i know this is probably supposed to be "a process"... i know that it mot likely supposed to "take time"... but im over it, im done crying myself to sleep, im done feeling i can talk to anyone, im finished feeling guilty for talking to my boyfriend, im just... im done. 

when i talk to god about it... i dont know... on one hand, his heart is heavy for me... he wants dearly for me to walk in wholeness and pureness in him, he wants me to understand my value in its complete essence... he is in awe of me... and i know that, i feel that, i feel his love... 

on the other hand... we've been down this road before.

i know what it takes to walk the other way

i know what it means, and what i have to give up

its like killing part of yourself... over and over again

and everytime you go to fight, it's harder, and more painful

im sick of peeling back layers...

im tired of fighting this 

but know i can do it

i will do it

and its going to hurt...

i intend for the next few posts to be about texas... so we'll see how it goes.  im sure i'll end up posting in segments, like the last trip... and hopefully, unlike last time, i'll finish the days.  im babysitting right now. this babysitting basically consists of an almost 12 year old and an almost 10 year old playing computer games, and me... on my computer.  i make meals, and we go out to swim. i break up virtual fights, and yeah... this is weird babysitting. my uncle described it as "easy money", and i would say the same. i'm blessed to even get to make any money while on leave... 

i have a doctor's appointment in an hour, so that should be fun. kelsey's taking me, again, fun.  my foot, is doing well. oh yeah! i had surgery on wednesday, forgot to mention that.  the surgery went really and i should be walking fairly soon... thank god for that as well. 

im eating 3 meals a day, kind of. well, im eating the equivalent.. spread out among my medicine times.  3 different people told me that i looked like i had lost weight, i have no clue, i cant stand on the scale and get an acurate reading. i feel... gross, i can't run, i can't even walk the dog... its frustrating, because i know its a good thing, and that's its only for a few weeks, just a short season, but it's still hard.  i want to take a shower... i feel lazy and... just, gross. i don't know what i'm going to do.  i have a regimented eating schedule, im getting all my food groups, and taking a multivitamin, i just feel... i cant explain it

"things are moving fast"

and im happy, really, happy

these are exciting days

i miss texas

ive been in bed for 2 hours now... and my mind is left to wander around these little places that can normally be covered up with schedule and obligations... this is difficult. 

i dropped my anthropology class for the fall, but i picked up natural disasters... i would really like to take 15 hours this semester, but i don't know if i can do it. worse case, i take the class for 2 weeks and drop it... it'll just depend on my workload i suppose... i mean, ive got the time slot open, ive got the drive to do it... i just don't know if it's possible with everything else going on.

chris is looking for a job in columbus.

he's looking to move here after the summer.

that in itself is a fairly large deal... i mean, yeah, i know people that date people that work full0time and go school... i know people that are married that work and go to school... but 40 hours at starbucks and 15 in school is a bit much. although, i should get a raise this month, and then i wont have to work as much... idk

oh, and by the way, i bought a car the day before i went to waco... it's an 89 bmw 325i...

i cant wait to get better so i can drive it...

i am an incredibly blessed person

i have an amazing boyfriend, who's right for me

i have a good job, and im a college student

i have the luxury of taking a month off for surgery

and the sweetest husky a girl could ask for

life is good, hey?

:)

so it seems like just yesterday i was planning this surgery thing... i mean, i can't believe i'm already laid up in bed... eating and taking pills every 4 hours, changing out icepacks and making sure husky goes out... love life hey?  but no, honestly, im so glad that i had the surgery, i'm finished with all that now... and now i'll get to wear shoes that fit both feet :)

ive been on vicodin since i got home... it doesn't hurt too bad, but it's supposed to get worse today. connor spent the night last night, i wish he didn't have to... he kind of just wonders around... i mean, he washed my dishes for me, and he let the dog out, but other than that.... i don't know.  if all goes well today then he'll probably go home this afternoon.

im figuring out some basic exercises i can do... it's difficult because i really can't do much that uses my body weight against me, because if i were to fall.... yeah. no.  but i did work out last night, i just took longer than it usual would've.  but, i broke a sweat and my heart was racing... probably had something to do with the meds...  im staying hydrated though, no worries. i think i might get someone to bring me some ankle weight to help work out my legs... i haven't through the full consequences of that, but it seemed like a good idea at first thought.

this post is pretty flat... i should've already blogged about texas, i just didn't have real time to do that...  i will soon, hopefully with more detail than my georgia post.  

i like Chris being my boyfriend.

he is an incredibly sweet guy.

i wish he was here.

i miss him.

me and God had a little bit of a tussle over the weekend... things between him and i have been really good these past few days... he commended me for seeking him out to wrestle with some issues, verses him having to call me out on it. i can tell that there's been growth in that part of my life, my conscience seems to be healing... if that makes sense. it seems a bit stronger than usual.

but, short synopsis of texas.... i was supposed to be there 4 days, ended up getting stuck for 10 days. turned 19 in texas.  met some awesome people. learned to throw a football, played church softball, learned to play frisbee golf...  went to his church for 2 weeks, hung out with the young adults group. ate 3 meals a day, slept normally every night, got sunburned at the youth carwash, got poison ivy in the park, hung out in a bamboo grove, and on a suspension bridge....  

will write more soon

drifting..

im dating christopher judy...

i haven't told anyone this

hmm

:)

"trav.. you should take off that sweater, i know you're stoned..

but you look like youre getting pretty hot as well"

dominic: "oh, woah... kale, are you coming on to travis?"

"no... ha... no way"

travis: "man, i wish...
but... she's too pure"

and i'll take that as a complement,

score one for the boys.

i had missed grant, it was good to see him. we sat outside at veterans for awhile... just chatting about different things... it was comfortable. 

it was good to see chris interact with my friends, with grant, with caleb... even with kelsey - in her red skinny jeans. it was good. i watched chris a lot when he was here, i watched his face when controversial things were said, i watched him sprint with my dog in cooper creek, i watched him take insult after terrible insult from my father, sitting at the kitchen table, and he just took it... with humility and what looked like fear, i watched him roll his bag into the terminal... i guess you could say that i was observation mode as well. saturday night cohen called me, crying his eyes out. i talked to him for half an hour or so... trying to comfort him. but i didn't understand the ramifications of what he was enduring at the time. broken-hearted, i hung up the phone, and (after much deliberation) knocked on chris' door...

i woke him up, at 1230, almost 1 in the morning... i needed somebody, and no one else was home. he put his arms around me and told me that it was going to be okay.. that i couldn't do anything to fix it... and i believed him, i trusted him. we sat there for awhile, and then somehow or another we got onto the conversation of loving God, and being in love with who He is... Chris says that he wants to be in love with God, bu he's not... and that, ultimately, breaks me. i want him to experience the relationship i have with my Father, i want to understand fullness in being with Him... and while, i cannot say that he doesn't... i can see that he doesn't. that's big for me. i want him to see. i remember his blogs years ago... on this same subject, and so does he. i want things to be different, i want things to be radical. i want to experience a radical experience, some days... i just want to shake his analytical thoughts... but it's who he is. i don't know.. i have a lot of thoughts about this...

sunday, went really well.. and terrible.

i got up at 4 or 5.. climbed into his bed...

ferverously tried to wake him up, but he refused

"it's the day of rest"

which, while completely true... i mean, i was awake, i had showered... i had started my day, and he was behind. he wrestled me to the floor and was quite persistent in his decision to rest.  i was at ease, i was off work, but i was excited for him to go to church, i wanted to see him worship. he didnt get up until 1045 or so... he just laid on my floor, making my puppy jealous. church went well, nothing too crazy happened, but the worship was good, and the sermon as well. after church we went for mexican with my family, and a few others... 21 people in total. i sat next to Chris, across from my parents. my father grilled him. i felt awkward, and i felt inept. i wanted to step in, i wanted to stop the madness, i could feel the stress, i could sense that this lunch wasn't normal... people weren't themselves. everyone was on edge, waiting for him to slip up. but he didn't... and that surprised them i think. after lunch we rented "the matrix" and went home to watch it... sunday afternoons are meant for naps, but the movie was good, no lie. i liked it. after the movie we lazed around a bit and then went to thedoor. grant talked about relationships, he talked about sex, he talked about mutual masturbation. it was good, grant did well. he made a few more silly comments than normal.. and you could tell he was a bit tense, but all in all, it was good stuff, it was meat. after thedoor we went with the usual group to cheddars... chris' fault. i wanted to go downtown and walk, but having not communicated that, we went to cheddars. dinner was good, it was fun... 

i held lily for a bit after the service, and listened to chris play the guitar... i like him. i like that he makes music. every sunday night i hold children, and every sunday i leave wanting a baby, and this night wasn't any different.  it's not because of Chris.. i don't think. but, i do legitimately want a baby, i want to be a mom, i want to be pregnant... and these desires are relatively new.  lately i find myself reading up on homeschool vs public school... and children raised in foreign countries. i want to do that, Chris aside, i want to be involved in full-time ministry. i want to raise my children in an environment where they can see both side of the story, where they experience the good and the bad of ministry, and i pray that they come out better for it - as i feel that i have. i want to be that mom, i want to be an incredible mom.. and God tells me that i will be. God tells me not to worry about my system, that i'm going to have children, He has promised it. i'm excited... prematurely, yes. but excited is good i think.

regardless... on to monday...

- - - - - 

to take a break from the story

i've been getting hit on more than normal

i don't like it, i am not an object, i dont like boys

this is my blog

i don't need to feel like i'm being boisterous, prideful, full of myself, or whatever... i'm not the prettiest girl on the street, i don't dress like a slut... i don't understand. im a cute kid.. i know this.. but i just, i don't know what's happening here. i feel like im in heat.
and im attracting dogs. 

but why?

lolly says that i'm just one of those cute girls... the one's that aren't uniquely pretty. she says that guys like me because im likable. i dont want to be likable. i dont want to be average. i want to be someone that is different, that attracts different people, unique people. lolly... lolly is one those people, she is different, and you can tell. she is beautiful, but in a different way. in a simple complex way.

i dont know what's wrong with me.

i haven't changed anything about myself

im not intentionally putting myself out there

i dont know what is happening to my world

but yeah, my world, its my world, its my life 

i can say no.. i've had to say no a lot.. 

im not used to having to say no

not used to these boys

i dont know

playing a game with someone i didn't even know. 

i took the dog everywhere with me, it's become quite the little habit... he likes the attention, and i like(d) the distraction. friday was fine, after much debating and little decision making (which continued through the course of the weekend) we headed downtown... parked behind fountain city, and start walking... we went down the river walk, over the state line, and back to the car... we walked for an hour and a half. i still didn't know how to treat chris, and i told him that. i didn't know whether to flirt with him, or treat him like connor... showing him around town. i wrestled with that chasm in my mind for majority of the time chris was here, i knew how i felt about him, i know him fairly well i would think... but not vice versa. we left downtown and went to manchester for dog water and passion tea. brent and aiden came in shortly after us, and stayed out on the patio for a bit. brent was good for conversation, and he came up with a few ideas of what to do next, i felt lost. i wasn't used to not being around people that know me. the american girl that my mother has brought me to be felt obligated to entertain him. but i just wanted to sit in the kitchen, drink coffee and sort things out. i wanted him to talk to me.

"so... have you decided if i'm pretty or not?"  ... "no". oh, awesome.

sidenote: thursday night we went to brave heart rock. im connected to that place for many reasons, namely being andrew... betsy... lolly... it was the first place i ever smoked, and it was the first place where i ever felt like someone outside of my family truly cared for me. i shouldn't have taken chris there, then. i should've waited, should've should've should've... doesn't matter much now, it's a pretty place. we went swimming there a few days ago, it's lovely and secluded, dirty and wonderful...

friday we eventually got around to finishing up gladiator and buying groceries... we went to clearview for lunch, where i discovered that barbque was different in georgia, to chris's dismay. caleb went with us, he was good company. when he got to my house prior to lunch he hugged me, i needed him to hug me... because he knows me.  immediately he asked me what was wrong... and i honestly didn't know, i just know that i felt alone. and small. still. i honestly don't know when that changed, when i felt he was actually my friend, i could narrow it down to monday night, i could say that until we were challenged together, that everything was mechanical... but i think it was before that, i hope it as before that... chris hugged me good night on friday. which was a comfort, i felt like i wasn't completely insane. walmart for groceries was interesting.. i just followed the boy around, watching him pick apples and decide on juice... it was enlightening. i often wonder about the guys in walmart, buying food that's good for them, by themselves. too often they're there for beer and sugar... it's comforting to know that some of guys i see in walmart have a decent hold on life... chris bought groceries, and a skillet for pancakes. him buying things.. felt awkward. im not used to it, im not used to any of this... but that small part of the equation had a weird vibe to it. im not sure why... gladiator was a good movie, not a favorite, but a good film nonetheless.

saturday morning i met amanda early for coffee.
we talked about her life, about caleb, and about the last few days...

"do you think it'll work? do you think he's right?"
"i honestly don't know babe, i don't know him here. he doesn't know me here. this visit and our relationship haven't combined.  it feels like i just met him, still... i pray a lot"...
"you always pray a lot"..

she smiled, it's true.

we went back to my house after, chris was just getting up and he made pancakes. he hugged amanda in the kitchen, and i would say, that i was jealous.. but i wasn't.  i hadn't made made any definitive decisions on who he was, and that just added another thing to the discard pile... after amanda left, we went to cooper creek... it as good for the pup, and i had a good time. i still don't know how chris felt about his visit here.. i wonder sometimes, i wonder what he was thinking when i dragged him down the hill into someone's backyard.. i wonder what was going through his mind when he was stuck in the sun, getting burned. i wonder what he thought when i was giving my puppy a bath in the front yard... i dont know. eventually we ended back up at the house for lunch, i didnt eat anything... still full from pancakes. 

i'm a little mixed up on how the timeline went from here, i know that we went to the driving range with caleb... which, all in all, was fun. i had never even held a golf club.. and chris was good. caleb made me laugh...i also know that we went to the lake house... chris and just drove out there.. i wanted to show him things. we went swimming... at first i hesitated. i wasn't comfortable around him... but i decided to go for it... he was leaving tuesdaycaleb texted me to say he was on his way, and then my phone died. i climbed out of the water and went into the house... chris started to tell me a story about a guy taking his shorts off, but i stopped him, went inside, and changed clothes. caleb got there shortly thereafter... where i got another much needed hug... he assured me that everything was going to be okay... which i needed. we went to the store, bought things to make chili.. and then i watched chris cook for a bit... good food, good times. we headed back to the house, changed clothes, and met grant for coffee.

i had missed grant, it was good to see him. we sat outside at veterans for awhile... just chatting about different things... it was comfortable. 

...

i should eat

i've written chris 27 letters since the beginning of march. he's seen... one. i don't know why i haven' sent them, i don't what i'm putting it off for. the letter writing could probably account for my lack of posting here... but it's "whatev" hey?

- - - - -

i fall more in like with this christopher character everyday. at first, i couldn't understand it... he's unlike any guy i've ever liked, stereotypical and unique in so many ways. the story is long, and i wish that i had written throughout this entire process, but i didn't. so that is that. currently, we're at a sort of stand still.. which, i have to admit, while particularlly frustrating, it's a good thing. 

this entire situation is new to me, every conversation sheds a new light on what it is that i'm embarking on. i'm learning. i feel like i'm walking on eggshells in this new sphere, well, not quite... running on eggshells. dancing, that's better, i feel like im dancing on eggshells... and they break, and we put them back together. it's good that way. i think. 

i want to take this part and ponder a bit about each aspect of the 'situation' that puzzles me... that's made me question things, that's allowed me to grow into the position i'm in... but i don't know if i could fully articulate those things. which makes me not want to start at all... but i need to... i need to process things.. i need to type things out.. i need to. but, i also need to sleep.. so here we go.

love

love is a big word, i word that i say often, carelessly, flippantly even. however, it carries a lot of weight in the context that we're in. thursday may eighteenth, i told chris that i loved him. i do love him, honest. i've never told a boy that i loved them. i wouldn't say that to someone unless i intended for it to be the last time i had to weigh the ramifications of it. of course i'd thought about it prior, i even told him not to tell me that he loved me, because i didn't want to be faced with the decision to say say it back. chris told me that he loved on may eighteenth, and i said it back, with every ounce of earnest i had. the airport was a weird experience, looking back i think i would've kept things differently, i would've stayed until he boarded, i would've stayed until they made me leave... but i didn't, i left, i went home... i cried on the way to the car. i'd never cried for a boy before, especially not a boy that i wasn't dating. but i did. not hard, just tears... tears that i couldn't stop. tears that came from somewhere that i had never felt before. i thought back to the stress of last summer... standing in a parking lot, not wanting to leave the country... crying. i dont often cry over things that don't involve God, directly... i cried multiple times while chris was here, i haven't sorted out what that means, except, i'm connected.

sometimes i wonder if i've bitten off more than i can chew.. and the answer is yes, naturally. i'm learning to leave things up to God, regardless of the outcome. which is incredibly hard. i like to know that i have some sort of control over my current situation... i like to have some sort of independence in all of it.. but i can't, i depending on God, and i'm depending on Chris... it's harder for me to depend on Chris, as arbitrary as that may sound. i trust him, i do... but i still have reservations... which is natural.

i love him, and i want to see things work out for the best, for the best, for the kingdom... regardless of the stereotypical ring that the statement has, the kingdom, is important to me. i want to see God do incredible things, and to the best of my ability, i want to be an instrument in that process. when i get to the end, i want Him to look at me and say that i did my best. i know i've screwed up, i know i've crossed lines, and i know i've blurred boundaries, but i've picked up the pieces... and i aim to do "my best" with this second, third, fourth, fifth chance. marrying Chris is a decision that is "bigger than i know"... yes, it's bigger than i know, but it's bigger than anything else that i know, which means it's the biggest. it's huge. i'm okay with that, i'm happy with that. i'm excited about the next few months... they will be incredibly difficult, i miss chris. terribly. although i miss him, i've had to come to terms with the fact that things might not work out, i might not ever see him again, he may never kiss me, i might not marry him... and in order to come to terms with something that big, i have to go through something bigger, biggest. God is the only reason i've been able to do this, without Him... i don't know where i'd be... my emotional stability would have shattered for sure. i can't control this, i'm not controlling this, i'm just along for ride... i am but a vessel. a carrier of the things that He has spoken to me, things that He has put in my heart.

- - - - -

i picked Chris up from atlanta airport on may 13th. i wore heels... i shouldn't have worn heels, and i shouldn't have worn so much makeup. i wanted to "dress to impress", but i was beyond stressed. i couldn't stay on the road on the way home, and i got lost, multiple times. i felt like a failure, i felt intimidated and small. i felt like everything i did fell through, and that my plans were but dreams... "fairy tales don't always come true" is the last thing brent told me before i left... but i forced it, i wasn't natural, i was manipulative and dry. i was disconnected from everything that i was feeling, and my mind couldn't handle it. my soul isn't used to be cut off. i tried to cut off all emotion.. i wasn't even smiling in the airport... i was cold, and wanted to be elsewhere.

when we finally arrived at 2821 beacon avenue, it was hott. we didn't get air conditioning until last week, and while i was okay.. Chris was drowning in humidity and husky. we changed clothes and laid on the floor... trying to decide what to do... i had a list of things to do, to show him, things i wanted to share... but it went out the window before we even had a decent conversation. the ride home felt out of place, i was freezing on the inside. after a few errands we ended up at pho vy for vietnamese food, i paid for dinner, and Chris was quiet... he was in "observation mode" for the first few days he was here... on top of the fact that he doesn't talk much on the average occasion, i felt alienated. thursday night i had 7 missed calls and text messages... facebook notification and missed skype appointments... everyone wanted to know hoe i was doing... and how he was... but no one could understand, i tried to explain myself to grant, late thursday night... but i couldn't i couldn't work through it in my head, i was disconnected. im leaving out important details concerning my parents, and the rest of columbus, but that's not what this post is about.  we watched gladiator thursday night, and i fell asleep... i hadn't slept in a few days.. and i felt like i was colliding with reality.. i was drained, on many different levels. 

i didn't know where boundaries were.. i hugged chris in the airport... an awkward side-hug... as he was holding on to his luggage, and i was out of place... i didn't know if i could touch him. i touch people, i'm a touchy person, if i'm having a conversation with you... then i want a connection.. i want to know that you're in it, i want to know that you're with me, that you're tracking... touch is like insurance. it's different, and i need it... but late thursday night, alone in my house watching a movie... i wasn't even sure if i could lean on him... he didn't give me a go ahead, but he didn't stop me... i asked if it was okay... on the inside i just wanted him to hug me... to tell me that everything was going to pan out... that i hadn't made a mistake in wanting him to come here... but i didn't ask for it. i just assumed too much that night. i assumed he knew me, i assumed he knew what i needed, what i wanted to hear... but honestly, he didn't. he had never met me until 8 hours prior.. and i just wanted to feel anything.. anything but sub-par. i felt intimidated because he felt cold. but i didn't know him. i just wanted me to play with my hair and tell me to go to bed... but he didn't. i had was guilty of everything that i feared from him, i had filled in holes... i had put illegitimate pieces into a puzzle that i hadn' solved... and they didn't fit. i went to bed that night with an intense fear of friday, i spent hours lying in lolly's bed, praying... asking for answers... trying to sort out my own emotional attachments and needs, from what was reality. it was hard.

friday morning i heard my alarm go off, and i was still wide awake. lolly and beth didn't come home the night prior, or... much at all while Chris was here... i went to get eggs and bread... and i felt like i was playing house... playing a game with someone that i didn't even know. 

 - - - - -

and now i have to go to bed

today is my day off :)

i get two days off this week,

wednesday and sunday...

good times

travis came in last night, my living room reeks of old clothes, pap's blue ribbon, and camels... turkish gold of course. somethings never change i suppose...

hey.. stone... how old are you now?

*smile*... still eighteen trav, still eighteen

babe, you're such a youngster, still... 

man... im getting so old...

travis, you're 22

i know, but i mean... (and you'll learn this as you go along i suppose)... but just so you know up front?  everything you're ever going to know, (that matters anyway) you already know. everything i've learned in the last 4 years of my life... through college, starting a music career, falling in love... i haven't any new material. everything i was once inspired by is still the same... you just have to learn how to adapt, how to manipulate and change the knowledge and passions that you already have... to fit whatever or whoever's situation that you're in. *takes a drag on his cigarette*  you just, you should know that.

mmm... thanks trav

yeah

- - - - -

no weed in the house - - lolly's rule

probably more for my sake than hers

i woke up this morning to empty beer cans, taco bell remain, and sleeping marg on the couch

i already heard talking of making my pup into an alcoholic

and dominic decided to name him Spitzy Cline

itll be an interesting week for sure

trav says that he came for inspiration

whatever that means...

he doesn't need empty artictic ideas

he needs jesus

kayl, you still straight edge as you used to be?

or.. would you like a beer?

no thanks travis...

im not thirsty

- - - - -

i'm trying not to worry about the judy situation... there's no reason for me to worry. and really, there's no reason for me to wonder... because regardless of how much mental angst i pour into this, God's goin to "open and close doors" as he sees fit... all i can do is follow his direction... all i can do is what i've been doing for years...  seeking God isn't a foreign concept to me.  

there is a lot that i could write

i don't even know where to start

but it's okay... some things are meant for handwritten journals

some things shouldn't be typed up and submitted to cyberspace

i dont care what generation i'm supposedly in...

oh, baby, baby, its a wild world
its hard to get by just upon a smile
oh, baby, baby, its a wild world
and ill always remember you like a child, girl

i find the map and draw a straight line
over rivers, farms, and state lines
the distance from 'a' to where youd be
its only finger-lengths that i see
  i touch the place where id find your face
my fingers in creases of distant dark places

although you were biased i love your advice
your comebacks they're quick and probably

have to do with your insecurities
theres no shame in being crazy,
depending on how you take these
words im paraphrasing, this relationship were staging

and what a beautiful mess, yes it is
its like picking up trash in dresses

and the storys all over you
in the morning ill call you
cant you find a clue when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue
what might have been lost ...

i'm in my film class

i do not like my film class

i want to be in texas

i don't get to be in texas

we paid the water, paid the gas...

rent's due on the first...

beth has been home with danny for a lot of the day... playing homemaker. so, she did the dishes, and cleaned things... and did laundry... and started to finish unpacking her stuff...

all of these things were good

i wrote my oral report today

i have to give it in a few minutes...

im not excited

im a bit terrified actually

i don't know postmodernism

i don't like ambiguity...

right now they're talking about the matrix

about the different sequels... 

*shrug*

when i came inside i had ladybugs in my hair

that made me smile

i need to blog real things...

later i think

sweet zoe jane

swimming, running through underbrush, lying upside down listening to michael jackson, gladiator, red hair, chicken parmesan, running off the road, calling my parents, making coffee, singing creed songs, not skipping stones, the alpha male, the driving range, barefoot in the grocery store, $3 walmart shorts, pancakes with amanda, coffee with thedoor band and grant, shorts and tank tops, cooper creek park, "he sleeps well - because he is loved, is it okay if i touch you? forehead kisses, sleeping in sunday morning, freckles and sunburns, sprinting with the husky, aloe vera gel, life without air conditioning, no smoking signs, pho vy on the first day, eddie and terry in newnan, holding lily and listening to the guitar, crossbows practice, love bites... sleepless nights, you're taller than i thought, late night vigil, the worst week of my life, lunch with "the family", grant's awkward talk, grandmother on meds, cohen's midnight call, being constantly self-aware, wanting to quit school, want to get married, hipbone bruises, sweet zoe jane, milk chocolate truffles.. zippo lighters, 

back to work

to be continued

chris comes in 3 days

i have a husky for the weekend

school is over for a week

i need my school money to come in

im working 31 hours in 3 days

im a bit tired... i need to wash clothes

i finally got my curtains

kelsey works at starbucks

im having surgery in a month

im turning 19 in a month

i paid all my bills

its happy hour at starbucks

frappuccinos for half price.. 3-5

i hate making frappuccinos

my dad is super happy im getting a dog

im glad that we found a common thing to like

mother's day was sunday, i didn't get the photos done

i need to put locks on my bedroom doors

chris is staying at my house

im forcing myself to eat food

it's not as bad as it sounds, i promise

my room is complete

i have a dresser :)

for 30 dollars... yes, im incredible

k-luv says that i should do "design on a budget"

i laugh at him... we've seen each other a lot lately

amanda tol him that she never loved him

grant says, if chris is a loser, then to go out with caleb... that is silly talk. caleb is incredible, we're just not compatible. chris comes thursday, thursday i get snax. i will rename that dog. amanda leaves saturday. rob and kirby are out of town, grant wants me to play keys at the door... i just want things o be chill.

most of all, regardless of the outcome this weekend... i just want to relax, get my mind off of work and school, and i want chris to have a good time in my life...

that is all, 

im clocking in, again.

i took my psychology exam this morning
i did really well, despite not being in class for almost two weeks
god gets every stinking bit of credit for that one…
i didn't study, i didn't put any effort in

i felt horrible walking into class today
i felt like a traitor, like an ungrateful servant
i hadn't even opened my psych text book

sitting down.. i breathed a short prayer..
the professor announced that she had changed the test layout
just this morning, she changed the test layout
she said that wanted to try something different
and test our working knowledge…

instead of the normal 50 questions, there were 75. instead of just asking us questions based on the last two weeks of the course (which was the original plan), she added a third set. this set was from weeks ago. the information needed to answer the questions was taught weeks ago. among the tests dispersed there were four possible topics for the final 25 questions, each one being on specific aspects of a different mental disorder.

"good luck, and begin"

i quickly turned to the final questions. my topic? attention deficit disorder. had it not been for kelsey gordon living with me for the past 8 months of my life, i wouldn't have known a lick of that information.  i breezed through that test. i got at least a B, possibly an A…

i am so undeserving.

i've had an A in psychology since the beginning of the semester, i'm a great student. i have the capacity for a 4.0 average. but these last few weeks… have been a whirlwind.  in the future, i wont do this. i refuse to let this happen again… i woke up with a horrid stomach ache… skipped the gym, didn't make coffee… it was not a good morning, but by some stroke of genius, by some miraculous effort, i passed the test. i never have to look at a psychology book again.

*sigh of relief*

2 down, 2 to go

sidetone… as i was walking out of the classroom, the boy who normally sits behind me tapped me on the shoulder. i turned around, grinning, still elated from what had happened…

"hey… i sit behind you…"

"… hi"

"well, the semester's over…"

"… yeah, yeah it is"

"well, i just, i wanted to tell you that, you're pretty"

*hesitation*

"oh.. well, i mean... thank you so much, but i…"

"no, no, i don't want to go out with you"

*pause*

"i just wanted to tell you that"

"well.. thank you"


… i needed that today,
i needed everything today…
i don't know why i let myself worry
i know it will all pan out…

*sigh*

today was the last day of classes, for the semester. im not sure what all of my grades will be... i still have a few finals, but i'm glad it's over. the last section of my life has been intense.  

i dont know where to start... 

things are good, life is good. i paid the rent today, and the power... we go to pick up some furniture tomorrow, and i am in a very strong like with my house... i like to pay bills. i like to budget, i like to figure things out... i liked shopping around for internet today, i like playing with the system... i like to be in control, and independent. this is going to be a good year.

caleb and amanda broke up yesterday... it's been a few weeks in the making, but i've tried to convince myself that it wouldn't happen, i try to believe that movies are real, and things really do work out for couples like them... but, as i've seen 2nd hand over the last few months, being unguarded and naive to what God is telling you leads you to... brokenness. i sat with amanda last night on my porch, talking it all out. she feels relieved, and "free".  i told her that i wasn't aware that she wasn't... free, that is. she said that, to a certain extent... she wasn't either. i don't want to convince myself that a person is the right one for me. i don't want to get 6 months into a relationship, and realize that everything was wrong... i know that if i seek God, in everything, and just keep doing what i'm doing... then everything will work out, for the good. regardless of whether i think "the good" is right, i have to faith that His plan is legit... and i'm learning.

cohen called me today, crying.

my biggest worry is that he wont heal correctly. i fear that his heart wont be able to take anymore... and shut down.  im learning form my little brother's mistakes... i'm spending the day with him tomorrow... it will be good, for both of us. i feel honored, he called me first. he knows that i have nothing but love and grace for him... he knows that i'm not going to ask him a hundred questions... or tell him everything he's done has been trite, or meaningless. i earnestly seek to understand him, and his situation... i value that boy... like no other.  im just worried... i prayed today, i prayed all day. i prayed for brokenness... i want restoration and healing. for everyone in my life. im tired of seeing hearts break, i'm tired of holding people... and i don't say that in a "i'm over it" way. i say that because i know a life of wholeness, and completeness in christ... "i have the very best" 

these people, all of these people that i talk about... the ones i live with, work with, grew up with... they have been exposed to similar things that i have... they've sat in some of the same pews, heard the same sermons... but it's such a terribly differently outcome. i'm not dodging people that make mistakes... i understand mistakes... boy do i... but, i just... my heart can't handle it, i can't handle broken people, i just want to invite them into my house... i want to help. i try, boy do i try... but ultimately, God is the only one who has the capacity to heal... if i get to be a tool in the process, then sign me up. im more than willing... but they have to come to a realization of wholeness in god... a wholeness that is unattainable through any worldy means... 

i have no storyline, no plot, no climax

i just... i dont know...

"there is a voice, crying out

for the ones who walk alone

the widows, the orphans, 

the slaves, the broken,

will find their hope.

the captive, the fallen,

the children, forgotten,

will be made whole,

in You."

tonight is a lonely night

i feel alone... in a not so bad way though

i haven't felt this in a long while

its one of those i just want to eat icecream nights

except i dont have an appetite

i feel like i should be crying

i feel like i should be studying

and like i have people that need me

that i'm avoiding..

and some of those are true

i want to go camping by myself

no, i want to go eat thai food by myself

actually, i feel dehydrated...

that's what it is.

okay well...

i guess im done now

im going to get some water

i keep getting on here in hopes to type something meaningful... but nothing has come of it. it's been a long day. i closed last night, pulled an all-nighter and opened for beth, wrote an essay in 20 minutes prior to class, and i just got off from josey's shift...  i helped a lot of people get sleep today. hence - i get no sleep.

caleb worked with me for the last 4 hours... as soon as i clocked in he started asking me about amanda. i told that i was not at liberty to say anything that was exchanged last night... now, he's is in an incredibly somber mood. 

that's the latest there...

i dont know guys...

"first of all, i just want to say that i have an incredible amount of respect for chris, guarding your heart is so important, and caleb and i have failed. i just... i don't know if i want to marry him...  i want to date someone, not marry them... im so stressed out.. im freaking out right now, im freaking out... i don't know if i want to be a 20yr old pastor's wife... kaylin, i want to have coffee with chris when he gets here... i want to just, to talk to him...  i dont know what im going to do... we have to slow down - now.... no, no, im not breaking up with him, i just have to slow things down... and i have his heart, i have so much power, and i hate it... it scares me.."

: excerpts from talk with amanda tonight.

im a bit worried. she needs to calm down.

lots of prayer.. and one thing at a time.

he will be crushed

why didnt you call me?

"... you know, i really don't know."

"i know im in a bad place, and everyday things just get harder with me and grant... i don't want to crush him. i want him to grow and mature and be loved. i can sit here and tell you a hundred reasons not to do what i'm doing, i feel like such a hypocrite... i don't know what to do... i don't feel like what im doing is wrong... just that it's not right... i don't know kaylin... i just don't know..."

i have so much more i need to write, 

but... story of my life hey..

: excerpts from talk with lolly

directly after talking to amanda

my heart is heavy...

after 18 years...

i finally did it

i moved out

i love on my own

i pay bills...

i love paying bills

i love being independant

so much that i have to watch it

i want to be interdependant

lolly and i talked about sex on saturday night...  we talked about how that she never thought that she would have before she was married... she talked about covenant.. and about becoming intimately tied to other people...  it is very hard for me to understand these things...

i am currently stuck in russian accent, 

i cannot get out of it

'tis okay

i haven't written a public blog in a few days... 

 today was a bad day, and a good day...

i woke up late, pressing the snooze button all of 7 times. grabbed a muffin and my bible and spent not-enough time with Jesus... and rushed to school, i walked solemnly to my geography class... and stood outside for 3 minutes, watching.  students scattered around, looking at various maps and keys.. iclickers set up and ready for class, the little british professor marching around the room... i was a bit early anyway right?  well, somewhere between south and east asia i managed to convince myself not to go to class. i did an about-face, and walked back to the car. in the rain. my mind was in a weird place, i felt unprepared, and disorganized. i cranked up the car and headed towards manchester... on the way i saw young woman walking towards the campus, pulling over, i offered her a ride... it was raining. it was raining hard. she climbed in and i asked her where she was headed... "my english class" - it was at least a 15 minute walk...  

as we drove back to the campus she started to talk about her day, and her walk... my school isn't in the best area of town - and she's an attractive girl. colombian exchange student.  she asked me what there was to do in this town... i laughed, "nothing... school, work, church, rinse, repeat..."  "church? where do you go to church? are you a christian?"    ....  after i dropped her off i started to think about the door... and about the community around me.  caleb talked to one of our customers the other day about how overlooked the international students are. not only in class, but when it comes to the church, when it comes to the christian groups on campus... i mean, they check in and check out... these people are only here for a semester or two... but it only takes a simple conversation, a moment of my time... or a car ride.

- - - - -

after i skipped out on my class and got some coffee, i went back home. i showered, and put on some makeup... heels, and a dress.  i forced my body to do these things.  there's something about dressing up that makes me productive. it forces my mind into a conscious state - conscious of how fast i'm walking, how much time i spend watching people, how much time i spend doing nothing at all.  i know that i have to stay focused, and i do... i don't know if this works for everyone, or if it's just a me thing... some things are, me things that is. 

after starting my day over, it went really well. i did well on the math test that i wasn't prepared for, and work went by fairly quickly... the random rain showers made for a slow day at a coffee shop... but it was nice, for once. i got off early and went to walmart... i kind of hate going into walmart at night.. but somehow i always find myself in there at 1am... this time for a cell phone charger...

i know i'm just rambling... 

- - - - -

i haven't "talked" to chris in 2 days...

it feels odd, but not out of place.

so i got home around 1, cleaned my room, overhauled my car, and washed all my laundry/linen things...  then i wrote a 4 page paper, took a shower, and went to work.... i got off work at 10, went to my english class at 11, and then ended up at veterans for two hours prior to my second shift today... i clocked in at 215, and i'll clock out at 1045, i've got to be back here at 630 in the morning.. and i dont catch a break until noon tomorrow, unfortunately that break is short-lived... i'm opening here on sunday as well... counting down the days until monday... atlanta.

i saw lizzie today, me and lizzie don't really talk much these days... just a quick hello whenever we happen to bump into one another... but we talked for about half an hour while she was here... she wanted to know how life was, and if i was getting pumped about heading back to oz... i told her that we had a lot of catching up to do... as i was clocking in and she was leaving, i told her that we should hang out... like friends or something. she grinned.

2 hours later i went on my ten... and had 3 unread messages from her. she's not doing well, and she told me that she almost "spilled her guts" to me, and would have had i not been heading into work... she's meeting me here tomorrow, and i'm taking her somewhere.. i dont know... she mentioned in her message that she needed someone to talk to that had been through their own crap and could handle some of hers - without passing judgment, and that she knew i was fully capable of that... she said that she needed a friend... she needed to talk. 

people need people

it's a fact

i feel guilty for this... i've been here all along... i should've called, taken some sort of initiative... i dont know. i know that i could've done something. i feel the same way with anna... i feel like i just picked up and left a crucial role that i was playing in each of their lives... that i abandoned them without warrant - in my heart i know that that's not the case, in fact, i know that i did what was right, i know these things... but that doesn't ease the feeling. it doesn't help.

i hope i'm not too late 

i hope that everything's okay

my stomach hurts

im going to eat dinner, 

and go back to work